i'm signing you up for texting rehab
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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