last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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