You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
