i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
