Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
