My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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