So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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