Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
