I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
