After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
