Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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