i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
