I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Ketchup is God's man juice
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
