My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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