Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
