Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I'm like, not good at living.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
wow bdsm is so cute
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
