i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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