Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
