yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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