Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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