When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
