I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
