What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
