Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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