I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
