Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
