I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
