um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
