Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
tonight lets celebrate not being married
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
