Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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