peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
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