I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Randomize
