he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
