How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Randomize
