she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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