Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
