Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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