she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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