god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
