tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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