I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
