I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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