i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize