Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
