my phone needs a breathalizer
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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