Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
