My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
