turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
