Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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