I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
