Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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