My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
