first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
