I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
