Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize