Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
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