and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
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