She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
