I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Did you pee in the oven last night??
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Randomize
