i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Randomize
