"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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